We are resourceful creatures … from the time we are born we develop strategies, patterns, and habits to get what we need and want. Somewhere between the dependence of childhood and the independence of adulthood, we too often drop or lose the most important tool for our growth: choice. And in the loss of choice, those strategies, patterns and habits take on lives of their own. What once worked for us, now has us working for them.
My recent NaNoWriMo experience smacked me in the face with this. Halfway into the 30-day challenge, I was frustrated, frantic, and writing gibberish in a feverish pursuit of what? Online badges and a word count that matched the daily charted average. ACK! and Yuck … I had turned an invitation to embrace the joy of daily writing into a punished pursuit of virtual baubles and praise. An ingrained strategy to write only when necessary, when there was tangible reward, was running me ragged and in the frenzy I forgot my ability to just STOP for God’s sake, breathe, and choose.
Do I benefit from a daily writing practice?
Yes, I do. Sort of. I’ve come to realize I benefit from daily writing PLAY. Practice to me speaks of needing to rely on routine and repetition to improve. In this moment, what I need is space to allow my words to flow, invited and embraced, with a sense of curiosity rather than an eye on the clock and the word count. My strategy of writing when needed: for school, for editors, for assignments earned me a living for years, gave my life purpose and money, the two things I thought were essential to life. That strategy, however, was developed when I was a child, to get through a world I found baffling because long before I had lost touch of the essence through which it made sense: I had lost touch with ME as divine energy, and the body that processed all I encountered and created. The essence that is ME embraces creation; strategy relies on repetition to succeed. To survive, strategies generate fear of the unknown that, if we are detached and unaware, keep them running long after their serve their purpose. My strategies don’t know or care that I am an adult, that I am no longer five years old in need of the care and praise of adults charting my life. These strategies believe they ARE my life until I stop, breathe, and choose: am I in this moment living MY life?
That said, strategies remain useful tools. Once I’ve chosen MY life, I can employ strategies to build, grow, connect, develop … whatever … to create my chosen life. When the choice is from ME, there is no wrong. When I’m running strategies, on automatic or avoiding a choice, then I get the same old same old that after a while feels constricting, heavy, frustrating … because I’m no longer creating my life, but seeking to fulfill a pattern that in the absence of choice is running me.
I’ve spent years awakening to the numbness, feeling like I needed to fight it, then feeling like it was too hard, so I allowed the pattern to run. Now, I know thinking it’s hard, that it’s requiring a fight, are strategies on top of the strategy to keep things from moving. Yep, layers upon layers of stories, like patches upon patches to contain a flow straining to dance in the infinite space to which it belongs. Constricting, heavy, frustrating. STOP, pause, breathe, choose … its that easy to release the strategies, one by one. This does require embracing the unknown … allowing movement into the newfound space and not dashing back to the familiar … for in that unknown is where we creatives truly shine, thrive, live.
So while NaNoWriMo for me was a bust from the awards point of view … a few badges, no certificate, no 50,000 words … it was a gleaming success in terms of my awareness, and my appreciation of how I choose to spend my time and how I choose to write this book in progress. It will not be through discipline and practice and word counts and deadlines. I am done with being run by strategy. It will be through mindfully choosing to spend time with my writing, as I would a loved one or a friend, not out of obligation, out of joy.
Space to breathe. The everything else follows. YES to all of that.
Thanks for being here.
Jennifer
Jennifer Hatt is an author, communications consultant, publishing doula and CODE Model Coach™ .
ownyourstorynow.com
To learn more about Decloaking and Living Authentically and other offerings in the WEL-Systems® body of knowledge,
visit https://wel-systems.com/
the brilliant website of its founder, Louise LeBrun, https://louiselebrun.ca/)
and the powerful offerings of CODE Model Coaches™ Stela Murrizi, https://sparkingthesacred.com/
and Sheila Winter Wallace, http://bodygateways.com/